In preparation for next year’s placement I have decided to start re-reading old theatre theory books and re-envision myself and the potential of theatre and ministry.  I’m starting with Shomit Mitter’s book ‘Systems of Rehearsal’. In his chapter on Brecht ‘To be or not to be’, I was struck by an argument he posed about the differences in the work of Stanislavky and Brecht.

Stanislavsky is famous for his naturalistic approach to theatre. An audience was to go and witness reality. The stage was a window onto life; hence the term ‘fourth wall’ to indicate that the audience sat where a wall to the house was meant to be. You could say Stanislavsky was the modern day Ricky Gervais with his mock-umentary style… but I’d have to kill you if you did! This, for Brecht, was destructive. It stifled the audience to except the world as it is and to ‘wallow’ in the inevitability of life.

For Brecht, theatre was about evoking change in a person.

‘I wanted to take the principle that it was not just a matter of interpreting the world but of changing it, and applying that to theatre.’ Bertolt Brecht, Brecht on Theatre

The theatre then is a place where an audience sits and reviews how life isled and to see the possibility for different outcomes. Stanislavsky taught the given circumstance; A leads to B leads to C, the path is set and you must walk it, whereas, Brecht saw that after A there were many paths to take and should be explored. The audience were opened up to personal change.

My mind immediately asked the question, what is theatre’s role in the church?

Are my reservations about ‘church drama’ stemming from my understanding of theatre?

It could be said that the ‘church drama’ that I have witnessed are Stanislavskian in style. They pose something as it is (or at least as the particular church thinks it is) and there’s no room for questions. A story, with its seeming inevitability, is put forward and that’s that. The audience are not welcomed in and given a real choice to make changes. This is difficult when the scenes portrayed are historical and the outcome has already been decided but an audience should still be present in the story and understand why an action is decided upon.

It makes me think of St Ignatius of Loyola and his practise of visualisation prayer where the practitioner is to walk into a biblical scene using his imagination and explore it for themselves. Many have criticised this practise as heretical as it means that our imagination can make up things not in scripture and develop theology away from Christian doctrine. Unfortunately, use of the imagination is natural human action and one cannot say with any assurance how they understand the very nature of God or the will of God without, in part, attributing it to the imagination. Theatre itself is imagination and so let us assume that using it is not ‘the work of the devil’ and push on in to its use in religion.

To inhabit a biblical scene is to live within the reality (or supposed reality) and so the audience/congregation must be able to imagine what it was like in that situation. This should include the option of choice and to change the situation. Reality is about choices and free-will, isn’t it? The giving of choice and free will does not, necessarily have to change the outcome. Brecht wanted audiences to dream of possibilities and to see characters as flexible and real not automatons set on one path. The biblical and non biblical characters shown in church dramas are often set on a course (often without any reason) which the audience/congregation must watch. This, I think, is the source of my frustration. As an audience/congregation member I want to be able to see reality not something outside of reality and this involves the potential for change, even if it is never realised.

Is the Brechtian approach to theatre a suitable alternative? I believe, in some part, it is particularly with its clear depiction of both character and actor at the same time rather than the ‘trickery’ of Stanislavsky. I like, however, the complete immersing in the reality which is often missed, I feel, in Brechtian theatre. Peter Brook uses Brechtian techniques but applies them to a mix of Grotowskian, Artaudian and Stanislavskian practises as well.

As I continue to read I get excited about the use of my previous study and formation in the theatre to communicate into my formation in ministry. My own theatre practise speaks into my ministerial practise and, I hope, vice versa.

A week after Any Given Friday and life has returned to normality. I was hit by a cold on Wednesday after a massage told my body it could relax and put down its defences! This led to me taking two days off college rather than the one planned.

On Thursday, still suffering from the cold I’d acquired, I sat down at my computer to start the process of re-acquainting myself with essay writing. For the week or two prior to Any Given Friday I had had to put aside college work in order to focus and dedicate enough time to the event. The schedule, post-Any Given Friday, was tight but do-able. I was half through an essay on Billy graham and alpha and so had planned to finish the essay on Thursday to dedicate two weeks to the two essays needing to be done.

I had written 1000 words of this essay (50%) but after reading it there was some re-writing to do and so stripped it all back and started again. I worked from 10am – 5.30pm (with a break for lunch) when all at once the computer froze. None of the USB ports were responding…

Well, I say none of the USB ports were responding two of them (one with a printer attached, the other with a wireless adapter connected) seemed to still be active but the keyboard, mouse and, as far as I’m aware the USB memory stick and external hard drive were not. I replaced the printer with the keyboard, the wireless adapter with the mouse, swapped them over again…

Nothing!

Luckily I had saved as I went along and it was only 30 mins since my last save, not to mention the Auto Save function. I switched the computer off at the mains, waited the dogmatic ten seconds and switched it back on (I’ve watched the IT Crowd!) All loaded up, there was an error check on all my drives and I opened up Word. It had Auto Saved! When I tried to open it, however, it couldn’t be ‘converted’. I closed it down and opened up the file from my memory stick… it was corrupted! Every other file was absolutely fine, this one was corrupted. 1400 words and a days work gone.

I tried to open the file on both the laptops we have in our house…nothing.

I shouted, I swore (I confess!) and gritted my teeth until they hurt and then I prayed. I’m not sure what to pray in these situations. I prayed that God would work a miracle knowing full well that if God wanted me to keep the work He wouldn’t have done such a cruel trick!

After some time to relax and sit in the presence of the Lord of all things, I started to type the essay…again! None of the words that I had written seemed to be in my head anymore, I was full of cold and I was tired after writing this essay all day. I could only remember the quotes I had used so I went through wrote them down and referenced them and stared at the screen for a good fifteen minutes.

I reflected…

Tuesday had gone well. I had seen God move amongst His people and touch many. It was worthwhile and I believe planted many seeds and watered many more. It was, to put it one way, Kingdom building. My wife and I had prayed after the event that God would protect us both as we know that when you put your head above the parapet and step into the spiritual battle you’re going to get hit. We prayed on Tuesday night and then on Wednesday (my day off) I prayed for others but not for protection. On Thursday I prayed for help with my essay but I had already been hit by a cold and didn’t take note of what was happening. The cold was the first signs of exhaustion and when you’re tired you take your eyes off the ball.

The loss of essay has put me back on my schedule, has added to my stress and work load; it would be easy for me to stop my discipleship and just put my head down and work on the essays (some would say I should) but I haven’t. God is good and I will not be defeated because the Lord is with me. I will not sacrifice important time of rest and recuperation to work myself into the ground for an essay.

Usually, I would have been kicking myself and pull an all-nighter, work flat out and run around like a head-less chicken but instead God showed me that life is more than essays. Life is being present for those around you, to receive the peace God gives us and to dwell with Him. I was hit after an important event. When it is finished pray for protection until it settles down.

A week after Any Given Friday and life has returned to normality and there is still work to do. Not academic (although that needs to be done) but Kingdom building discipleship work.

‘Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more!’

Any Given Friday was finally performed yesterday.

It was a strange day before the evening. Four weeks of work and prayer and it all comes down to this. In the afternoon I walked round the cathedral with the cast, choir and the Warden and talked through the evening (which I’m getting very good at doing!) It was the first time that everyone involved met each other. It was also the time when I handed over some of the reigns to other people. I was reminded as I walked around the cathedral how the chief stone mason in a cathedral would stand underneath every arch that he designed so that if it fell he would be crushed. The commitment to his work was a matter of life and death and, although it wasn’t a matter of life and death in such an extreme case, I felt like it was time to take the wooden braces away and see if the work would stand or fall.

I’m aware that I have never painted a picture of what was actually going on in the event.

It would all start in the choir stalls with a ‘normal’ service. After a short reflection Joseph of Arimathea would enter and take his place in the centre of the imposing court like choir stalls. He would talk about his experience of the trial and bring in images of cosmic versus the ordinary, ‘The silence was so loud in the court, like the stars were witnesses, like the moon itself was watching…It was like the cosmos shouted out the truth but they, dust in the vast expanse, could not see’ And this would introduce the idea that everyone seemed to miss out on the importance of the historic and cosmic events happening.

The congregation would then be led, with accompaniment of a harp playing, to another part of the cathedral to see Pilate’s wife who would speak about the boring and mundane life of the governor’s wife. As the congregation moved and gathered round the character there would be the sound of flogging and screams in the distance and, if you were lucky, you could glimpse the flogging of Jesus taking place just in view across from where you were standing. Pilate’s wife would speak as if explaining what her life is like but break through this with a dream that she had and the realisation that there was something special about the man in the dream.

At the end the congregation would be moved round the cathedral to a side chapel where they would meet a priest. As they travelled there would be a choir singing Lamentations and in front of them, about 200yards in front, Jesus is led, with cross, down the vast length of the cathedral. The Priest would speak on the nature of Passover and the need to keep order and peace. It was a political speech and full of rhetoric and ‘factual’ standpoints.

Next they would be hurried to a chapel at the end of the cathedral. By now they would have travelled the length of the cathedral. As they walked they would see Simon of Cyrene, through the huge columns standing either side of the nave, carrying the cross beam and the solider leading Jesus. The choir would sing another part of Lamentations as the congregation would be led into the chapel to meet a woman. The woman would speak on her job as one of the women who offers pain killers to the crucified criminals. The monologue would touch on the pain suffered by all at Golgotha and there’s a small mention of a man labelled ‘King of the Jews’ and how he refused her cup. It is not dwelt upon.

The congregation would now brought back into the body of the church to head toward the cloisters. Before they turn into the cloisters they would a scream from Jesus on the cross and, if they wanted to, could look round the columns and see him crucified. Equally they could not and miss it. They would enter the cloisters to see a small brazier in the courtyard of the cloisters and a man (Peter). The choir would be heard singing at the other side of the cloisters. Peter would talk about Jesus rejection of him and his final words to Peter of anger and rebuke. This would be the impetus for the rejection of Jesus by Peter. Throughout, however, Peter would be tussling with whether he can rightly justify himself.

Entering back into the body of the cathedral, the congregation would be led down towards the centre of the building down the side of the nave. They would see Simon of Cyrene sat, staring at the empty cross. A solo female voice would sing ‘Were you there when they crucified my Lord?’ and they would be welcomed to gather around Simon with their backs to the cross. Simon’s monologue would talk about his visit to Jerusalem for Passover and the abhorrent thing he had to do, carry the cross beam, the instrument of torture, for Jesus. There are brief and implicit images of being profoundly touched by Jesus but the moment is still raw. The congregation, by this point, would have a good understanding of what is happening. They are meeting people in the raw moments of reflection where the memories have not settled in and so you’re not getting fully understood theology. The congregation would be welcomed in to the immediacy of the story without the blessing of hindsight.

The congregation next make the short journey into the final ‘station’ in the last side chapel of the cathedral to meet a Soldier, just off duty at Calvary. They would be crammed into the chapel, like the disciples after the death of Jesus and would hear the soldier’s story. This would be brutal and harsh; a real chance to know what Jesus, and all criminals would face on the cross. The monologue, more than any other, has real tension between the external voice of the character and the internal wrestles.

This monologue is interrupted by the entrance of Joseph of Arimithea, who has been leading the congregation round the different characters but who had slipped away before the soldier’s story. The short and simple line, ‘I have made amends one day to late. I have taken my Lord. Come and see where I have put him.’ He would then lead them along with a solo male voice singing Psalm 22 to the tomb down near to where Pilate’s Wife did her monologue at the start. For those who have been keeping up, you will notice that the congregation have walked the circumference of the cathedral around the point at which the cross has been placed. The congregation have not been into the main part of the story but only kept to the sides, missing out on the focus of the whole thing. The monologues will have a noticeable absence of Christ and there would be a real sense of unfinished business.

As the turn the corner and face a candle lit doorway (which looks like a tomb) they will see, projected onto a screen, a picture of a corpse. They would hear the final monologue by Joseph of Arimathea which I have added below. During the first half, up until the line ‘God went absent and no one spoke.’ There would be modern images of the situations describe in the monologue. This would bring the story into the modern day and ground the thoughts and feelings into the real world. The decision to see the cosmic event of Good Friday is real for us today. We either recognise it or we miss it.

Here is the final monologue:

‘And all around the world keeps on spinning at the same pace and the same direction as it has done since it began. People went home after a day at work and locked their doors behind them while others stayed on the street to face the cold like any other night. Women gathered food for the evening meal and prepared for Passover while some suffered with illness, long past recovery or hope of healing. In lands far away, men continued to trade unfairly and used power to cripple their fellow human beings. We all know we should do better but one day we’ll die and where’s the justice?

And all around the world keeps on spinning at the same pace and in the same direction as it has done since it began. People lit their candles to starve off the darkness while others closed their eyes to embrace the darkness they always feel. Men pulled the blankets over themselves to fight off the cold while some ate the scrapes of food left for the wild dogs to eat. In lands far away, great healers shrug their shoulders and tell the family of death and decay and are baffled again at the cruelty of life and the unknown. We all want to defy the odds but one day we’ll die and where’s the hope?

And all around the world keeps on spinning at the same pace and in the same direction as it has done since it began. He was taken done and thrown away. Another rebel, another hopeful, another death. The heavens went silent and the sky went dark. God went absent and no one spoke.

In the darkness I travelled to the seats of power and demanded justice. I put my neck on the line one day too late. I took his body, cold and beginning to smell, and carried him to his final resting place. As I walked through the streets I passed lepers and cripples unhealed, carrying the great healer in my arms. I passed men embracing darkness of addiction, pain and sorrow, carrying the great light in my arms. I passed those who held power and wealth and near by the poor and destitute, carrying the good news in my arms. And he was silent.

And all around the world keeps on spinning at the same pace and in the same direction as it has done since it began.’

The event would finish with a picture of the empty tomb that would serve as a reminder that we have the gift of hindsight and hymn.

The description would never fully paint a vivid picture of what it looked and felt like but, from the feedback and comments I have already received, some words that the congregation who participated in it used were: haunting, disturbing, stunning, beautiful, breathtaking, uplifting, crushing, moving, imaginative. There were a lot of people outside of our community who had come along who had heard about the event through the Durham Student Theatre website. There were two actors who were not Christian and they had invited non Christian friends. All felt moved by it and were reflective afterwards.

I just pray God met with them and they met with Him!

Now it’s over I am taking a day off to reflect and gather myself for the next step. All the actors involved are excited about future work with me and i spoke briefly about my interest in being a minister in the theatre community and they were all very supportive and excited about being involved. This is great news for next year. I don’t think I’ll know the impact this has truly had until some time has passed. It’s interesting that I was trying to get people to reflect on how people living in the moment of Christ’s redemptive act had no idea what was happening and last night I felt like we all miss cosmic, life changing events. Last night could be something very powerful but it passed like any other night. The sense of holiness about the evening was amazing to be a part of and the silence in the cathedral was so loud, like the stars were witnesses and the moon itself was watching!

I’ll finish with a line from the Joseph of Arimathea monologue which started the event last night:

‘Come, let us go and see what will become of his dreams…’

What a week this has turned out to be! Having given God an ultimatum He has blessed me with a full cast and opportunity to meet some wonderful actors. I am left with one part un cast. I have a friend on standby, I just need to contact him and confirm.

I gave God an ultimatum!

This is His event. He called me to it. He inspired me. He never calls people to things they can’t do. At the beginning of the day I was missing four actors and if no one came forward I would need to rethink the whole thing. So I sat with some friends and said “There’s nothing else I can do except wait for people to come to me with interest.” I held out hope for one person who, unfortunately can’t perform as he’s in a show next week. This was it. God needed to provide or I’d take it as a prompting to re-look at the event.

‘Do not test Lord your God’ (Deut 6:16)

I know, I know! But how else are we going to find out what He’s doing? I wouldn’t even call it testing. I laid the situation at His feet and said “I can’t do anything without you and I trust that your way is best.”

Silence from God was kept until lunch time when I went home to do some work and preparation for a meeting. I sat down at my computer and cried out “Ok. You can do anything you like. It’s the silence that’s killing me!” I logged onto my emails and there was one email from an actor in Durham interested in the piece. I have heard about this guy and he’s doing a whole heap of work in the theatre scene in Durham. He reminds me of a younger me when I was writing, performing, directing, producing, touring and studying all at once (those were the days!) It was great news he could be involved in the piece.

It was also a great encouragement. God’s silence was broken and I reflected on this for a bit.

My major problem is I can rely on myself too much. I’m skilled at things and can do things to high standard without much trouble. The question is: Is this a talent or a gift from God. Some would argue that God creates all people and gifts them with everything. Whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Jew or Atheist, God has created you and given you giftings and talents. So what’s the difference between God’s spiritual gifts and God’s talents? God gives good gifts to all people. God blesses those gifts with power for eternal significance by His Holy Spirit given to those who accept Him.

Before I gave my life to following Christ I was good at things. I was intelligent, talented, charming. Most things I did went well and I worked hard and saw results. I could carry on boasting of achievements and that’s the point. I didn’t need God. I could live a successful life without Him. Then I realized that my drive for success and fame was damaging my relationships with people and destroying friendships. I was rude, harsh and cruel to people around me. I’d use people and manipulate them so I could further myself. It was through this that God revealed my need of Him.

Now that I am a disciple I struggle to keep dependant on Him. I rely on my strength and my skill to get things done and to do them well. But I want what I do to have eternal significance to last, to effect people in a deep way and there’s no way I can do that without God. I’ve tried and I’ve failed, every time. Plays I have directed and produced, poems, articles I have written all well structured and well done but none making a lasting impact on people’s lives. It was when I started relying on God that this added dimension to stuff I did started occurring. I know how to use environments to evoke responses from audience (see Manipulating Response post) but to make an eternal impact and evoke a response on a deep level I have to leave it to God.

With this event I could create a great performance and give people a nice warm fussy feeling during it. I could get people to think about stuff and they can make some intellectual jumps but I want people to see God. To achieve this high aim is difficult if not impossible because only God can reveal Himself and only God can bless the event and only God can give it its eternal significance. I felt it was important that I didn’t use members of the college community (see Any Given Friday (part I) post) and so went to the theatre community in Durham. This could have been the wrong choice and I prayed about it a lot but God has a plan.

I’m thinking a lot about how theatre can do church but I must also remember how the church can speak into the theatre world. God uses theatre to change peoples lives; I’ve seen it happen. God uses the skills of actors, designers, writers and directors to give the Word, to embody Truth and to connect with people’s deeper recesses of the soul. But it is God who does it! There’s no way we can do it. In this piece God will bless the actors and use them and in using them reveal Himself.

God’s hand is moving in this piece, in the preparation and the friendships that are starting. I continue to pray that I will rely on Him and look forward to seeing Him reveal Himself again to all who meet next week… next week!!!!!!!

A short post today to keep you updated…

Had a meeting with the Succentor today (“one who sings second”… In English cathedrals today the priest responsible for liturgy and music is usually the Precentor, but some cathedrals, such as St Paul’s and Durham, retain a Succentor as well.) He is a lovely man and one of those people who holds both authoritarian persona with love and calm. I needed to go over the event planned for next week to check the practicalities with him and to get his ‘blessing’ on it. I was worried that this meeting may be the end of the plans and I would have to go back to the drawing board on the whole thing. He was very positive about it! The whole meeting was easy and smooth, no compromises were needed. I left thankful for God’s provision.

I went straight to email the college chaplain with the publicity and check it through with her. She was very excited about the project and was very helpful.

So why does this all need to be said?

I’m still struggling to get a cast. All the other aspects of the event are fitting together smoothly and people are excited about it. So why is it difficult to find some people to perform the monologues. I’m keen to get students from outside the community to be involved due to the potential impact that that may have. The emailed I received over the weekend (see Any Given Friday (part IV) post) encouraged me and seemed to hint to me I was doing the right thing but I maybe wrong. In the past when I have faced difficulties in projects it has turned out that it was a warning to stop but other times they have been something I needed to work through. It comes down to your opinion on opposition to God’s will.

God gave humans free will in order that our love would be genuine. There’s a story I always find helpful in explanation:

There was once a king who ran his kingdom with strength and peace. Once, when travelling through his kingdom, he saw a beautiful girl in a village. As he passed by he couldn’t take his eyes off her and when he got back to his palace he couldn’t stop thinking about her. So he called his chief counselor and said, “I have fallen in love and would like her brought to me so she can become my wife. Go and find her and bring her to me.” The counselor turned to the king and said, “Sire, if I may say; I will go and get her for you and you will get married. In a few years, however, you will begin to ask the question, “Does she really love me?” She may love you but you will never know as she didn’t have the choice.” The king thought for a moment and then said, “Very well. Go and find her and ask her if she will marry me. Then she will have the choice to marry me or not.” The counselor again said to the king, “Sire, if I may say; If I go to her and ask she may say ‘yes’ and I will bring her back to the palace and live here. In a few years, however, you will still begin to ask the question, “Does she really love me?” She may love you but as you are the king with all this finery and power you will never know if she really loves you or if she is scared of saying ‘no’.” The king again thought and asked, “What should I do?” The counselor said, “Go yourself, to her village, take off your crown and all your power. Get to know her as a person and allow her to get to know you. Then when the time comes, ask her.” “Good” said the king. “Oh, and Sire,” said the counselor, “If she says ‘no’ do not tell her who you are.”

This story paints a good understanding of why God gave us free will.

What’s this got to do with anything?

With free will there is some opposition, therefore, with God’s will and design. We could get into a discussion about pre-destination and free will but this is not the forum to do so. What I want to say is, when praying for an outcome, you need to hold in tension the idea of God’s will and human will which may or may not be aligned. We can almost never guarantee God’s will (we can have an educated and prayful stab in the dark!) so when opposition to mission comes about how are we to respond? Give up and claim it’s God’s will to go in another direction? Keep going and claim it’s a test of faith? Or is there another way?

I have been watchful during this process to take one step at a time and respond to God’s prompting. I have been blessed with encouragements and a strong sense of blessing on it. This, as we have seen, could easily be misdirected. We can get in such knots about hearing God’s voice. What is the right response? Do I hold out and continue to pray? When is the right time to stop praying for people and try and discern what God is doing?

I’m going to spend some time this evening praying and listening, taking in all that’s happened, look back over this account of the project and see where God is directing me to. I will continue to pray for people to come forward, as I believe this is what God is wanting, but I will be prepared for God to step in and give me a fresh glimpse at His vision for this event. In the end its His and He can do it, I’m just blessed enough to be invited along for the ride.

Onto my knees I go!

I went to see a show last night called ‘Spring Awakening’ with a friend from college. We had both come from a day in the prison as part of our ‘Faith Sharing Weekend’ (see Any Given Friday (part IV) post) and had both found it really tough. As I sat in the auditorium (which was a converted lecture hall in our college) I tried to search my memory as to when I have seen this play before. I couldn’t, and still can’t, remember but I remember finding it hard to follow. The play is a typical Germanic text of the 19th century. I say this because it was like watching Woyzeck by Buchner or a Brecht play done in a naturalistic style. The Germans in the 19th century and beyond produced work that wrestled with ideas and intellectual rationale. To translate these texts and to keep the poetic nature of the original is extremely hard because the ideas are confusing enough without having to deal with translation.

I reflected on the way home on my day in the prison and in particular a conversation I had with one of the inmates there. We discussed at length our different beliefs and he strongly believed in honour and protecting your own. He was a religious man and his faith believed in ‘a brotherhood’ As we discussed and wrestled with ideas I became increasingly aware that we were flinging hypothetical ideas around and trying to find the rational and concrete.

‘Spring Awakening’ is more like watching an argument being set out than a play about characters. Each character comes to represent a certain view point and they are all shown on stage and, as an audience member, you need to pick a side. The Germanic plays of the past have often erred on the side of the Brechtian ideals of being separate and rational from the story, even before Brecht came along. It meant that the characters weren’t having normal conversations people questioned and argued their view of the world and engaged in huge topics. This is well and good but there comes a point where you end up going round in circles.

I found myself in this conversation with a prisoner and we were going round in circles trying to understand in our heads. He talked about how to ‘survive’ prison. He believed it was done by a strong mindset and focussing your mind. I’m sure this is true and he finds that useful but there will come a point in all our lives when we a pushed to the edge and we’ll crack. We’ll all get to our Calvary when everything is too much and we can’t rely on ourselves any more. It’s at this moment when Christ is at His most powerful. This is the moment when He says “I’ve been here and I’ve got through this. Only me. Come and I’ll give you strength to face up to this.” This is the moment when all words fail, when all rational argument and well thought out philosophies fail and it comes down to experience of grace. For the moment this prisoner can handle life with his philosophy but the Christian faith tells us that philosophy is great to a point but there are moments in life when those need to be tested and all fall short. The only thing that can stand is glory of God. Philosophy, ideals, structured arguments all of them are man made and none will defeat the pain of death only God can do that.

The play is a mish mash of arguments and I’m not sure what the playwrite was siding on. I left the play feeling confused as to what I was to think or feel. I felt depressed about the nature of the world as we saw it, everyone trying to argue their point of view and each one failing. I walked through the streets on a Saturday night, came across fights outside pubs, drunks vomiting in alleys, I was reminded of the stories in the prison and wanted to scream “All have fallen short of the glory of God.”

More and more I think of the words of my monastic ball of intensity who I shared this play with and the meal last week (see Wrestling With Truth (part II) post)

Claim innocence and worship God.

As for my ministry in the theatre… I’d love to be able to create a space where we come to realise that arguments are nothing compared to the experience of God’s glory and power in the face of death. I don’t want the worship/ workshop room to be a place to sit around and argue (it has been found wanting) rather to sit around and tell the stories of how we found our Calvary and discovered the only hope for salvation is the risen Lord.

Here endeth the lesson.

I’m currently in the middle of a ‘Faith Sharing Weekend’ which is a chance for students to engage in mission in a more focussed way. My group have been sent to Durham Prison. When I am finished I will write some reflections but at the moment it’s still raw and a haze of activity; I’m sure you’ll understand.

So why am I writing?

I received an email today from the guy who auditioned for Any Given Friday. I want to protect his privacy so will be vague about specifics. The e mail came after a day in which I collapsed on my sofa after a very intense day in the prison and was overwhelmed with… ‘darkness of the spirit’? I want to just dwell on this for a moment before moving onto the email, if I may.

In the ‘Faith Sharing Weekend’ I’m going to be performing three sections of a short play that myself and a colleague have written. It looks at the thief who is crucified next to Christ and is the first to be welcomed into paradise. It takes in the morning he dies, the road to Calvary and on the cross. It’s a complex piece with sensitivity needing to be given to the audience of prisoners. The character is manic and aggressive and as the day goes on will ease into the moment of his proclamation of a belief in Jesus. As my mind is cluttered with three separate large events bubbling away in my head and some essays on the back burner, I’m finding it difficult to get my head into the script, which is also still in a fluid state. Yesterday I was positively freaking out about not remembering the lines and this made me completely deaf to the needs of everyone I came into contact. I became completely self centred and most conversations revolved around my problem (which is extremely minor compared to others!)

At the end of the afternoon spent in the prison the group and I gathered round a meal to gather our experiences and to pray for the people we had met. I was struck then, as I was during the afternoon, of the gifting of my group. Several of them are really good at starting conversations with strangers, something I struggle with, and most of them are great encouragers. For me, a person who struggles with pride, is extremely attracted to this elements of people and I often fall back into, particularly when I’m tired, manipulating people into encouraging me.

When I got home I rang my wife (who was away visiting family) and spent some time reflecting on my day. I was so aware of my many failings and how I had acted all day. I had not been following Christ, I had manipulated people, missed out on opportunities on sharing in other people’s lives, lacked faith in God’s provision, panicked and basically hindered God in my life. As I started to beat myself up I slipped even further into this ‘darkness’. I condemned myself and this made it even worse.

I opened up my emails and found this guy’s email. It started by giving me his choice of monologues for Any Given Friday but then quickly moved onto explaining that he wouldn’t consider himself a Christian and he had concerns about being involved in this event because ‘I’m not sure if it would be sacrilegious for someone who’s not a Christian to be so involved in celebrating such an important event?’ What sensitivity! When I first read the email I was so encouraged and really felt like God was encouraging me in my ministry and was showing me that He was with me. Then the questions, paranoia and self centred condemnation started again… What if this is just an excuse to not be involved and the voice inside saying “He’s wanting to find the way out of this project and, although, he expressed interest in exploring faith he’s not interested.”

I was struck by how all of us face doubts about ourselves and it’s a fine balance between knowing our own weakness in order to rely on the strength of Christ and the feeling of being convicted of sin and the need of repentance. As this ministry begins to move onto a new stage in its existence is it any wonder that I’m feeling ‘under attack’. The Bible teaches that the forces of this world will fight against the Kingdom of God being grown and I feel like yesterday was a day when I gave up the fight and was battered by them.

I ended the day with prayer… I felt a little better but I left the time with God in faith that He will work.

Let’s hope that I can regain some strength today to do God’s will, to die to myself and take up my cross for Christ…quite literally!