Lots of things are happening at the moment. I’ve been asked to adapt the last blog for the Fresh Expressions website ‘Share’, which is very flattering that someone has enjoyed my, often waffly, ramblings, others have been commenting on my blog and saying how exciting the ideas are, I’ve also been asked if I could go and speak to a parish in York about my theatre and ministry work. I am feeling very excited about what God is doing and where he is leading me but I’m also being hit by an equally powerful wave of inadequacy for it all.
People have been complimentary of the content of my writing but there are people out there who are doing work that surpasses mine… I haven’t even started the work yet. I’ve commented on how I see the church and the theatre and the relationship between the two but I have not got the experience of, say Paul Burbridge of Riding Lights, or Rob Gillion who is a vicar in South West London, or countless other Christian theatre practitioners who go out and do it.
It makes me question what I’m actually doing. Am I pushing myself forward for recognition?
Am I imagining myself higher than I actually am?
Why am I feeling like this? I think its natural to question your motives. I think its healthy to do so.
I’m currently adapting the blog into a fully worked out document and have decided to go back and type up journal entries for the beginning of my time at Cranmer Hall. This has meant that I’ve been re-reading my journey. It’s a fascinating process and has made me see God working, prompting, leading me on a beautifully crafted story. At times I have seen myself shaping the future, making decisions and pushing for an outcome but other moments have been real ‘God moments’ where only He could have shaped the process. Yes, I’m inadequate for this ministry. Yes, there are others who would do it better. Yes, I’m not the most qualified to speak on any subject but God is a god who chooses those who are weak and small so His greatness can be seen. I rely on Him and Him alone!
I feel privileged to walk the walk God has marked out for me. I have no idea why He has but I’ll walk it, hiding behind Him as He leads. I will continue to journal my story so that others may join me and help me and to be used by God to shape me into the minister God wants me to be.